Sometimes when I don’t have anyone to talk to I start to go a little bananas.  I rely on a couple close friends to navigate tricky social situations. Usually I feel like I get upset, then I over-react. I reach out to people because I want to have checks and balances, and I know that acting on emotion typically doesn’t end well. I also know that if I give it time that the emotional reaction will fade and I probably will not be as angry/upset/frustrated/*insert negative emotion*.

When I talk about it with others, I really am just needing a sounding board. I think, deep down, I know what I want to do vs. what I should do. But sometimes when I actually force myself to put words what I am thinking I get clarity. This is part of the reason I started writing this blog… I can’t just let these thoughts swirl around in my head. Lying in wait to explode out of me on an unsuspecting person who just happens to walk over my trip wire. Anyway- talking to the people I trust allows me to kind of sift through the surface level shit and get down to what is the root of the problem.

A lot of times it comes from feelings of being misunderstood or taken advantage of. Sometimes I don’t stand up for myself or I find myself being too generous with my energy. It takes a lot of energy to care about others. To be concerned with their needs and think “hey I should offer this person a ride home” or “it would be nice if I picked up the tab today” even something as simple as “I havent talked to them in a while, I should shoot them a text and see how they are doing”. Sometimes I think – is it just me who does this kind of shit? or am I taking a selfish view and not remembering all the kindness that my friends have shown me in the past?

I guess what I am coming to find is that I don’t often ask for what I need. Sometimes I want people to be softer towards me. To treat me like I need help. Because a lot of times I do. I do need help. and I really fucking hate admitting that. I think that I put on this face for the world that I am strong, I have my shit together, nothing can stop me, I know my worth and place in the world and I have it all figured out – woo! But like… obviously I can’t do that all the time. I am so torn because I feel like if I tell people “hey. I am feeling shitty today. I want someone to give me a hug and tell me that I am worth it and I am important and like girl your hair is so cute rn what are you doing? avocado treatments? you look FIERCE” but its so fake when you tell people that you want/need that. I guess I just want people to read my mind and *know* when I need some help. I don’t like admitting I need a boost. Which is so fucking silly, right? I should be able to tell people that without being embarrassed. I just need to be ~*~vulnerable~*~  and sometimes… well actually all the time- that’s scary.

I am trying to be better about checking in with my emotions before they erupt into a horrible spiraling shithole that makes me feel like a smashed pile of roadkill. I know that once I start talking about it, assigning words to these nebulous feelings, it can only get better from there. Even if the words are mean.. like “wow you are so fucking crazy, why are you letting that persons actions bother you so much?” or my favorite “you do not belong here, go home”

I think by talking about it, writing it down, saying it out loud, makes it less horrible. at least… I hope it does. I am new to this. So if anyone reads this, pardon my rambling and just know that I am trying.