A concept I think about a lot. Especially in public spaces. I first started falling into this rabbit hole while riding the L. I was behind this gigantically tall man with an absurdly large backpack that was being jammed into the back of my head every time the train hit a bump. And if you ride the L, you know thats approximately every 5 seconds. I was getting so mad, because I felt like “HEY you are taking up way to much fucking space on this crouded-ass train dude!” The polite thing to do in this situation- for anyone reading that doesnt already know this – is to take off your shitty, gross, too-packed backpack and hold it by your feet.

But this man didn’t give a fuck about what was socially polite. He was standing there, music blaring in his headphones, being a total dickwad occupying a huge amount of public space. and I thought to myself…. why can’t I do that?

This is what started my whole spiral. when I thought about it, I determined that I couldn’t bring myself to do it for a couple of reasons. 1. I don’t want to be a jerk to everyone else on the crowded bus. 2. If I was being a jerk, I would feel uncomfortable with myself knowing I was majorly inconveniencing other people like that. this lead me to another conclusion – Some people straight up do not give a fuck about occupying space and take whatever they can. It enters their mind that they could be nice and polite, then they ignore that thought and put headphones in and roll on with their day because they can.

I see it all the time. People taking up a 4 person table by themselves in a crowded restaurant.  Blocking entire stretches of bar when all I am trying to do is get to the front to order a drink. MAN SPREADING. All of these things make me irrationally upset.

Maybe its because I live in the 4th most populated city in america, and everything is always crowded. But it really gets me upset when people dont pay attention and ignore obvious social queues. I feel like its not only impolite, but disrespectful. Like, I am over here following the social rules of the road with my legs crossed and my bag on my lap and you are a drunk driver spreading your man legs all over while I am curled up on the edge of my fucking seat. These are the times when I get pissed, and bold, and stare uncomfortably at the person as I challenge their space with my own spreading. And you know what? THAT MAKES ME EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.

I build up these scenarios in my mind where I get all high and mighty and silently fight back by taking the space back that I deserve – that we all deserve – and then I chicken out because I really don’t want to rub thighs with the weirdo next to me riding the blue line at 7:45 in the morning.

Anyway – to get back to my point. This thought of how much space everyone gets to take up comes back into my head over and over again. I feel like every person should get the same amount of space. equality. all that good shit. But the fact is that’s not the case, and you have to fight for your space. Everyone has the *right* to have the same amount of space, but unless you are actively defending the boarders of it, that shit will get taken over in a blink of an eye. Both physical space and mental space.

What I mean by mental space is feeling like you have the right to your own thoughts and needs and opinions. I have had situations where I feel like I am being taken advantage of, and that someone is not honoring the boundaries I have set for myself. It could be a situation at work where I am asked to contribute more than I am capable and really starts to deplete my energy from my personal life. It could be burn-out from supporting a friend who is struggling – but has the inability or unwillingness to return any efforts in my direction when I need help. It could be someone trying to convince my line of thinking is wrong – or worse – invalid. And that their opinion and view should be taken as the “right” way (especially in politics and religion).

This attack on the boarders of my space feels so aggressive to me. I know it doesn’t have to be that way, and not everything should be taken so personally. BUT I DO TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I feel like when someone is not honoring someone elses space – physically or mentally – its sending the message that “I am more important than you and I feel entitled to expand my boarders into your zone”. and that pisses me off.

I try my best to really think about occupying the right amount of space, and really trying to understand everything within it. I don’t want to take up more than I deserve. I want to be conscience of other’s boundaries and make sure I am not threatening anyone else’s boarders. I do not want to invade. But you better believe with all of this though I put into making sure others feel I am not encroaching on them – back the fuck off of my space please and thank you. I have thought long and hard about why I want/need the space I have. I have sat on sweaty L trains and busses putting out my elbows and knees into peoples backs to get them to back off of me. I will not have you push into my personal space just because you have decided to take a 57lb backpack + gym bag + winter coat with you on the way to work. You figure out a way to make all of that work, but its sure as fuck not going in my face.