Freddy, you really nailed it. I love riding my bike. I try to do it as often as possible. when I am speeding down the street (now with a helmet, which I did not wear for several years) I feel like I can take on anything that comes at me. Commuting to work turns into a fun activity instead of a mission from hell. Every day I get to ride to work I am grateful for my city, grateful for my chunky yet powerful thighs that propel me forward,  and grateful for the time alone in my head. I typically listen to music as I cruise along the Chicago concrete, and get really irritated when I don’t have it. I know this can be a *safety hazard* but I have been riding for 5 years and it has yet to be the cause of any accidents.

A combination of things make it so exciting for me. Some of the more tangible ones being endorphins, solitude, repeated motion, acute attention to surroundings, and the  little taste of danger that gets me off my ass and onto the saddle. It is truly an activity that has changed my life. I feel so powerful when I am on a bike, and when I am passing up tough-looking bearded dudes on my bright orange whip I feel like I can take on the world. It is not often that I feel like this. I fake confidence all day long, especially about my body and my strength.

I know that I am living a healthy(ish) lifestyle and I stay active and have no medical issues. That should make me happy, right? But it bums me out when I start to compare myself to other women, especially when I think about how strong I am vs. my skinnier counterparts. I get upset when I think about how much stamina I have, how many miles I have logged and my body still looks lumpy and chunky. I know that I should eat less cheeseburgers and pizza but FUCK they are so good. and have you ever had a good-ass piece of garlic bread?? its soooooo good. And by no means am I trying to paint a picture where I am the epitome of fitness. I just feel like I am judged by my weight – even though I have strong muscles under the cheeseburger-layers of chunk. I get upset when I see unhealthy women use dangerous diets to be skinny… but get the responses they are looking for. “oh you look so good! did you lose weight?” “What have you been doing, you look so skinny!” “Wow that outfit looks great on you!” Subtext – it makes you look thin.

I know that when I am on my bike I can compete with anyone on the rode. I am confident, I am fast, I am competent. Once I walk into the real world, I start to judge myself harshly and look critically at my pudge. I want to wear clothes that hide my chest and flabby stomach. I look at my arms and decide that “ok, these are not so bad” but when I go to try on a sleeved shirt it feels tight and uncomfortable. I try to remind myself that everyone is built differently and that what really matters at the end of the day is what kind of person you are. However, that doesnt make me feel better in the harsh lighting of a Gap dressing room, trying to find the right high-wasted jeans to hold in this gut.

I try to carry the feeling of freedom and power I feel on my bike with me around all day, but sometimes its just doesnt work. I am so happy when its above 50 degrees in Chicago – which only happens for about 6 months of the year – that I get to have this little slice of my time dedicated to moving forward. When its tough to get through the day, especially a work day, I know that as soon as I hop on my bike I will be thrown into a different world. I need to have the skill and focus to keep myself safe, and that enables me to switch gears in my mind from thinking about work and emails to “look out for that car, its turning right and doesnt see me… asshole” and “holy shit I am starving, what am I going to eat tonight”.

Checking in with my physical needs is something I can simply forget about during the day, and they are easy ignore or put off. But that is so unhealthy! I appreciate the reminder that my body gives me once I am done with my 4 mile commute home. DRINK WATER. GO TO THE BATHROOM. COOL DOWN. EAT SOME DAMN FOOD. all of these needs bubble up to the surface. I try to be mindful of these things, but brains are tricky and very good at ignoring the body. Sometimes this is beneficial- like pushing through the pain of a workout. Other times its detrimental- like forgetting to drink water then you look in the mirror and you look like a dried corn husk. Biking brings be back to square 1 and centers my body and my mind.

So for that, I will always be grateful. Thanks bike! I pray that you are never stolen from me again – 5th bike’s the charm.