Today I have locked myself inside of a conference room at work because my concentration is – and always will be – absolute shit. I am pretty sure I have ADD or something but once you are outside highschool no one gives a flying fuck what sort of disorders (are we still calling them disorders? is that like… not PC?) you have. They just want work delivered on time for the job you were hired to do. I can’t say I blame that mentality, it just happens to not work so well for me. Or at least, it hasn’t so far.

I am a procrastinator in the worst possible sense of the word. I was supposed to deliver a deck about… 3 days ago and I am working on an extended deadline and I feel so incredibly stressed out. If I had just done it in the time allotted I would be free and easy at the moment, chatting with coworkers and guessing at the winner of the bachelor. (which is a big topic of discussion on Tuesdays. so this season I started watching. It’s awful, dont waste your time with it.) Instead I am biting my fingernails trying to push out a project that realistically should take me a lot longer to do well but I RAN OUT OF TIME. I am always running out of time. Its like some sort of mental illness… I think to myself “ok, it takes 1/2 hour to get to work. Leave by 8:30AM and you will be golden!” I usually leave between 8:40 and 8:50. I try to remind myself that I will be significantly less rushed and feel calmer if I just give myself a cushion of 10-15 minutes… and IT WOULDNT FUCKING KILL YOU TO BE EARLY BITCH. This part of my brain is usually drowned out by the louder part that says “you have 5 extra minutes… water your plants! put your shoes away, it only takes a minute! maybe bring an extra snack, you never know when you will be hungry” then I look at the clock and I am late.

I wish I could just have my brain stay focused on one thing at a time. I unfortunately do not have that capacity unless I strap myself down and force myself to focus on a project, and even then it only lasts for about a half hour. Oh well. Another work in progress. In the meantime, I have curated an amazing playlist, decided that I needed to text 10 people I havent heard from in a while, and also wrote this blog post. Time to get back to work before I get fired.